In brief: Five/Ainley!Master fic, written in dodgy Chaucerian rhyming couplets, with a parallel translation. It is as insane as it sounds, and I'm not sure why it exists.
Title: Le Roman de la Starren, or The Evil Ex-Boyfriend's Tale
Warnings: If you read this out loud it makes you sound like an angry Welshman.
For here, thisse gracious herb withan/ That sages call Valerian/ May set thyn limbes into a drowse/ And other partes ful arowse.